Tuesday, December 31, 2019
As we sit here and say farewell to another year, I can’t help but give 2019 a kick to the curb for being one of the worst years to date.
To ring in 2019 I lost my grandfather to the demon that is
cancer , also known as my first real loss. While thankful to have known all of my grandparents, it makes losing them THAT much harder.
My DREAM of an internship, working in sports Public Relations came to an end. A whole two years of living out my dream and getting a taste of what I wanted suddenly ENDED.
Before I go on, you might be thinking, “Seriously, this is why this was your worst year ever”? But, what you don’t understand is just how much little things in life can change a person so much.
On the brighter side, in September I graduated from Drexel University which is something I never thought I would be able to say.
October was a milestone as I reached the age where apparently no one likes you?
One of my favorite memories of 2019 was getting to travel to Denver, Colorado. The absolute most majestic and relaxing place in the world.
Hello, My Name is Anxiety
Then, it happened.
November 6, 2019 on an airplane I had my first REAL panic attack during a time where I should’ve been excited to be on my way to Colorado.
The reason this event is so important to me is because since that November day, my life hasn’t been the same as I’ve been fighting a long, hard, and draining battle against another demon, anxiety.
Every single day is a battle with things that may seem like normal every day tasks to some, but for someone with an anxiety disorder seems like climbing Mount Everest.
Going to the grocery store, standing in the pasta isle as my heart begins to race, my head becomes dizzy, and I fear passing out in the middle of a store.
For someone like me, who has a very positive outlook on life this battle has beaten me down. Because not only does it make you feel like you’re going to die, but it makes you feel worthless, invisible, and just downright negative ALL the time.
It absolutely drains the life out of you and makes you feel like staying in bed all day is the better choice.
All in the midst of meeting anxiety face-to-face I was given the added stress of having a boss who told me my anxiety and panic attacks “were not my mental health” – my former boss.
I won’t sit here and say anxiety is winning this battle, because anyone who knows me knows that I’m a competitive person. I’ll be DAMNED if I’m gonna let something take over who I am and what I want to accomplish in life.
That being said, I see a therapist who is absolutely amazing, CBD’s are an absolute lifesaver (I’m looking at you Lazarus Naturals), and I have an unbelievable support system in my boyfriend, family, and friends.
Anxiety is one of the biggest reasons this year has been so tough for me, but when I look back and learn more it makes sense. I lost a close family member for the first time ever, lost a big chunk of my pure happiness in my internship, and then met the anxiety beast.
Life happens, so many people you know struggle with anxiety, it’s the world we live in today. Knowing that I’m not alone in this has truly given me such hope some days. Shoutout to Philadelphia Eagles OL Brandon Brooks for standing up for those who battle every day.
Truthfully, this has unfortunately put my hustle and grind to get where I want to be in athletic communications to a halt. But, I am prepared to better my mental health first before I continue to work towards my ultimate dream job.
If you’re still reading, bless your heart for following along and caring enough to keep going, we’re almost there!
As we say goodbye to 2019, I gracefully and quickly turn the page and take a deep breathe. A year that threw such bad things at me, but gives me hope that it was all a lesson and part of the plan.
2020 is my year, and it’s a year I’m determined to not only put anxiety in it’s place, but to start my athletic communications career.
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